Other|Humor

New Year's Resolutions You'll Never Keep (So Just Stop)

Jacob Shelton
Updated February 15, 2024 20 items
Ranked By
421 votes
135 voters
Voting Rules
Vote up the New Year's resolutions that are unrealistically ambitious.

New Year's Day is THE WORST because of all the stupid resolutions we make year after year, from weight-loss goals to lifestyle choices. For whatever reason, people never resolve to clean their glasses more, or remember to take out the trash when the bin is full. No, the resolutions most people make are the hardest New Year's resolutions to keep. 

If you’re looking for New Year's resolution ideas, this is not the place for that kind of nonsense. But if you’re looking to be validated for giving up on those resolutions before you even start, carry on reading. Whether you’re trying to eat better, or hit the gym, we’re here to talk you out of it. After all, no one wants to hang out with someone who works out all day and doesn't eat pizza. 

Vote up the most annoying New Year's resolutions. 

  • 1

    Get Out Of Debt

    Get Out Of Debt

    Why would you make this a resolution? Do you know how hard it is to get out of debt? You'd be better off ignoring the $500 you owe Bank of America and all those school loans.

    Why not just buy yourself a new iPhone instead? Treat yourself. You deserve it. 

    17 votes
    Too real?
  • 2

    Start Exercising

    Start Exercising

    Let's face it, exercising is too hard for a busy titan of industry like yourself. And how would you look if you joined a gym in January like every other chump? Obviously, you would look like a chump, and you are not a chump.

    Plus, that $39.99 a month thing is going to add up fast, especially when you know you'll never go. You could be spending that money on something much more useful... like beer. 

    24 votes
    Too real?
  • 3

    Eat Healthier

    Eat Healthier

    Be honest. Which sounds better to you: cauliflower or pizza? PIZZA, obviously.

    Anybody who says that they truly enjoy eating low-carb, nonfat, gluten-free, or low-calorie is a dirty lying liar. 

    23 votes
    Too real?
  • 4

    Stop Procrastinating

    Stop Procrastinating

    As great as it sounds to stop procrastinating, you can always figure this out next year.

    Come. Reddit is calling. 

    15 votes
    Too real?
  • 5

    Get Organized

    Get Organized

    If you're like most people, your apartment is about two stacks of newspapers and one bulging closet away from ending up on an episode of Hoarders.

    The amount of time it would take to get your place into shape would definitely take away from that Austin Powers marathon you have planned for this evening. 

    10 votes
    Too real?
  • 6

    Stop Playing So Many Video Games

    Stop Playing So Many Video Games

    You're an adult, and even if your generation has become infantilized to the point of no return, you should probably chill with the MMORPGs and first-person shooters.

     

    9 votes
    Too real?